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Because They Weren’t Already Repeated Ad Nauseum Last Year:
The Top News Stories of 2005

By Craig Froehlich

Hurricane Katrina
As the Commander in Chief exited Air Force One, instead of the familiar strains of “Hail to the Chief,” the band struck up a rousing rendition of “When the Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin.

It was a subtle sign that President George W. Bush’s public image needed some polishing.

Hurricane Katrina—if newspaper headlines are to be believed— slammed, smashed, raged, ravaged, crashed, pummeled and roared into, New Orleans, Lou. Reportedly, Mississippi was also somehow involved— something about flying casinos. (Actually, sounds like a great idea.)

Initial media reports said the city known for debauchery, jazz and boob-flashing had “dodged a bullet.” They neglected to mention that hurricanes don’t actually carry guns, but have more of a wet and windy arsenal. The levees that kept the Gulf Coast and the Mississippi at bay ruptured, thus flooding many of the city’s low-income residences. Storm surge and high winds struck many poor waterfront clamming and shrimping towns, causing…

Actually, we’re still kind of looking for those towns.

Katrina (the bitch) mainly spared New Orleans famed French Quarter and wealthier neighborhoods. This resulted in a devastated city teeming with poor, wet, starving black people. President Bush hates poor black people. I think I read that in an official White House memo or something. I forget.

President Bush, since he has always held the media in such high esteem, believed that the Big Easy had truly dodged a bullet. He continued a well-deserved 27th vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch—riding bikes, clearing brush and barbecuin’ up some of that tasty "pork" imported from Guantanamo Bay.

The slow response to what quickly turned into a humanitarian disaster was rapidly blamed on Federal Emergency Management Agency Chief Michael Brown. Bush basically pulled an Ashley Simpson and blamed his band. His hoe-down dancing paled in comparison, however.

Celebrity Splits
Speaking of show business, it was the year of the celebrity breakup for the 10th year in a row. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt rang in the new year with an end to their four-and-a-half-year marriage. It was apparently instigated by that collector of Third World children and insane, treacherous slut, Angelina Jolie. (Call me,’kay?) The other shocking split was between singer, actress and fencing instructor Jessica Simpson and former boy-bander Nick Lachey. The separation came suspiciously close to the time of the release of Jessica Simpson’s wretched remake of Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking.” A man can only take so much.

In other celeb news, comedian Dave Chapelle went crazy.

Iraq, Insurgents, Quagmire and American Deaths
Suicide and roadside bombs continue to devastate Iraqi cities and the number of Iraqi casualties continues to mount. The insurgency shows no sign of letting up. Iraqis held elections and the stock value of Haliburton Purple Ink Conglomerated witnessed a surge. Kurds want no part of Iraq and civil war seems inevitable. In a grim milestone, Sgt. George Alexander Jr. became the 2000th American serviceman to die in Iraq.

So, everything is going exactly according to plan

Earthquake, Bombing and other Non-American Deaths
Areas of Pakistan and Kashmir were rocked by a 7.6-magnitude earthquake killing about 87,000 people and leaving another 3.3 million homeless. You heard about that, right?

Terrorism struck British shores. The IRA sued al-Qaida for copyright infringement. Explosions shook subway trains and a double-decker bus. Don’t the terrorists know they are supposed to be in Iraq so we can fight them there and not here? (England is actually a there, but let’s consider it a here.) In the aftermath, British cops shot dead an innocent foreigner. Just because they’ve had an attack doesn’t mean they should act like the NYPD now. Maybe if the British would support the United States in the war effort this wouldn’t happen.

Oh wait.

Supreme Screw up
President Bush's preference for white men continued as he nominated two of them—to the nation’s highest court. You can’t say he didn’t try, though. John Roberts was originally slated to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor but then Chief Justice William “Appointer O’ Presidents” Rehnqist stepped off this mortal coil.

John Roberts was then in the running for Chief Justice. Bush wisely assuaged concerns over cronyism within his administration by nominating a long-time crony, Harriet Miers, to serve as a justice. Apparently she is the most evil woman in history since The Blood Countess of Hungary, Erzsebet Bathory and also an idiot. Republicans turned on her in droves, even some of the other cronies. She stepped down, probably to “spend time with her family”—even though she doesn’t have a family. She and Condie should go out for drinks sometime. Roberts was confirmed by the Congress but Miers’ replacement Judge Frito Bandito awaits hearings in January.

Oh, and the Pope died
But we’re out of space. Happy New Year.

craig [at] saltshakermagazine.com

 

 
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