say your piece
ISSUE NO.154 23 OCT. 2003
Assholes Take Heed:
You Will Receive Fairly Small Speaking Fees in These Hallowed Halls
By Craig Froehlich and Jeremy Mathews

e hear your pain and for some reason your pain says, “Well, whoop-dee-ding-dong-doo.”

Alan Butterfield of the National Enquirer spoke before a class at the vaunted bastion of journalism that is the University of Utah.

Butterfield distinguished himself in the field with such breaking, hard-hitting, socially significant news stories as the Smart family’s sexy sex scandal, JFK Jr. doing rails of cocaine off his wife’s ass prior to his plane crash off of Martha’s Vineyard and the Olsen twins’ incestuous monkey-love with an aforementioned love bunny.

  Charles Bukowski and his 'friend' backstage before appearing at a U's women studies department event.

Butterfield revealed to U students the process of writing these stories and how to blackmail those Hollywood types during a public relations class. “Make sure you come on their face,” he said with a wink.

Now calm down, you little peckers with nary a sex life.

Before you cancel Christmas and pull the plug on Grandmama—hear us out.

The U enjoys a long tradition of inopportune honorees and unfortunate guest speakers in its storied past.

Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada Oumee shared his wisdom with the graduating class of 1972.

“For every door that closes, at least two windows open,” Amin said, “and remember that foreigners are demons that deserve to be eaten.”

Graduates tossed their mortarboards skyward in a seemingly mindless celebration. Maybe a few in the crowd longed for the giddy days of noshing on the valedictorians and rejoicing knee-deep in a landscape of innards. Others contemplated on what a generation of distracting haircuts they had become.

But perhaps Amin’s legacy lives on in the anti-foreigner levity of Ute Klan rallies and in the special “A Vegan can go fuck-his-or-herself” specials dished out by Chartwell’s food imposers on a daily basis.

“Have you tried this Vegan-Ultra-Veggie-Wraps they started serving?” a smartly bobbed sophomore, with absolutely no fucking idea, queried.

“Do you know?”

Well, perhaps we do.

So when The Chronicle featured a glowing example of the ultimate Ute, no one dared question it.

They presented a chatty and sincere man with a big red sweater and with generations of U of U graduates in his bloodline.

He attended every football game and was more than happy to exterminate errant squirrels that happened onto campus.

“Blood,” he joked, while waving the Ute colors, “football!”

Less was made of the fact that Nat Fritters managed to butcher every cat in his neighborhood over three decades and arrange them into an obscene cloak of murderous rage that he often wore while taking “just a lil’ ol’ peep” at the nursery school’s nativity re-enactment.

We’re sure Mrs. Fritters would help us better understand the plight of her beloved Nat—that is, if we could find her head.

But, enough about Fritters.

The women’s studies department once brought writer Charles Bukowski on campus to discuss how to take advantage of admiring female fans. He then added that he “liked the bony ivory that led to a drunk woman’s cunt” and the only good shit to smell was “mine and that of a dog.”

“My liver can stop you dead in a dark alley. It has a polished blade and a story to tell,” an inebriated Charles Bukowski barked to a symposium of tenured professors .
He punctuated the debate with barf.

But let’s forget about the annual Pol Pot Festival, the honorary statue to Josef Stalin in the library courtyard. “It’s all about diversity,” groaned Propaganda Minister Sheena McFarland.

“Your papers please,” she added.

It’s not important who speaks at the U or what their backgrounds are. They should only be judged based on what they say and do on campus and how the students react. And on that note, the U’s record is flawless.

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