rank and file is usually much more primitive than
we imagine. Propaganda must therefore always be
essentially simple and repetitious."
-Karl Rove, Reichsminister
Soon you’ll be cozying up to a steaming bowl
of creamed beaver with only a smoldering Karen Hughes
effigy to keep you warm. But before joining the scores
of political refugees fleeing to the northern hinterland,
LET’S BREAK DOWN
THE 2004 ELECTION!
You needn’t be a liberal or even a Democrat
to feel a little discouraged after the November
2 election results. Perhaps you just don’t
share the same urgency as the Bush Administration
to bring about the apocalyptic “end of days” as
prophesied in the Book of Revelations. Perhaps you
don’t watch enough television. Nonetheless,
we at RED hope we can help you find closure.
to Bush's Success
Catering to the “stupid vote.”
God, Guns and Gays—or more specifically, threatening
the latter with the first two.
Economics 101: getting higher marks than your opponent
for fighting terrorism while creating more terrorists
with a disastrous foreign policy.
Discouraging election fraud, encouraging election “shenanigans.”
Strategically placing younger brothers in key election
Recognizing the nation’s problems, ignoring
Intimidating voters with a killer, attack Cheney
you haven’t fed for a week.
Marry an automaton rather than a free-spirited,
slightly eccentric foreigner who runs around voicing
Canvassing of urban neighborhoods with an enthusiastic “Suppress
the Vote” effort.
As NASCAR goes, so goes the nation.
Gaining insight into race relations by watching “White
Chicks” three times.
Kerry Went Wrong
Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right.
Unless you were goin' all the way. Kurtz got off
the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.
In the debates, Kerry relied heavily on “nuance,” which
many Southerners assumed was one of them boner pills.
He never bothered to issue a headline-stealing “terror
alert warning” immediately following the Republican
National Convention. Nor did he show the foresight
to delay a controversial and bloody assault on Falluja
until after the election.
Kerry only managed to convince Washington D.C. and
New York City that he had the right plan to fight
terrorism and basically ignored Coffeeville, Alabama
He believed that the American people would make
the right decision come Election Day.
He didn’t force daughter Alexandra to wear
that sexy see-through number from Cannes at every
Kerry won all three debates, thereby adding to public
perception that he was a smarty pants.
horror. The horror.
| What RED Learned
Although his heart was in the right place, Lincoln
should’ve let the South secede from the Union.
The legalization of assault weapons makes forming
a ragtag band of lovable, armed revolutionaries that
Just when you begin to lose faith in the American
public, take that thought and run with it.
Apparently the teachings of Jesus Christ encourage
his followers to practice deceit, prejudice, greed
and aggression. So much for that “love thy
neighbor” and “turn the other cheek” crap.
If at first you don’t succeed…don’t
succeed again, but even more so this time.
Being a uniter and not a divider only works when
a cake recipe calls for it.